what are you going to say at my funeral lyrics
Last Updated on February 10, 2022
You just have to acknowledge it: Death is absurd. Funerals can be weird; funny, even.
God has, for some reason, granted usa life, numbered our days, and given many of us a steak of dark humor.
If that'due south you, read on! If not, well, uh… don't.
Here are 31 somewhat dark merely otherwise harmless (and hilarious) funeral jokes and one-liners.
Funeral Jokes
Hunger Games, IRL
For my funeral, everyone gets a stun gun. Terminal 1 standing gets all my stuff.
Grim Reaper
When I die, I desire someone to dress equally the Grim Reaper and stand in front of the casket without saying a word to anyone.
Smokin' hot
Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin' hot body.
I put the fun in funeral
You lot tin't spell funeral without fun.
One 24-hour interval closer…
As soon as you lot're born y'all start dying. So you might as well have a adept time.
Fair trade
What you do today is important because you lot are exchanging a day in your life for it.
Lay your troubles to rest
The only people without bug are those in cemeteries.
Ain't it the truth
Don't accept life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyhow.
Clowns
Why can't you cremate a clown? Considering they burn funny.
How to determine on open vs airtight catafalque
I want a airtight catafalque funeral. At the end of the service, the organist should energetically play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone is staring at my bury in silent, horrified apprehension.
"Yous're next!"
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, "You're adjacent!" So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Trained and certified to dispose of the prove bodies
Never go on a funeral director's bad side. Remember, cremation destroys 100% of Deoxyribonucleic acid.
6 feet up
Any twenty-four hour period above ground is a good one.
Forever is a long fourth dimension
Goose egg lasts forever. Except embalming.
Time travel?
At my funeral, I want someone wearing the same outfit I had on when I died to outburst through the doors and say, "OK this is where it gets complicated…."
Choose your words carefully
"I'grand distressing" and "my bad" hateful the same thing, unless you lot're at a funeral.
Follow your dreams
I hope my eulogy begins with, "He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers."
Are y'all comfortable?
We really don't sympathize death. The proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow.
Before it was cool
Morticians: Tagging people since before Facebook.
That's the funeral director'south job
The only thing worse than "checkin in" at a funeral is tagging the person in the coffin.
So who does the laundry?
"I wish I'd washed more housework while I was alive" said no tombstone e'er.
Burial
At my funeral, when they lower me into the ground, I want someone to play "Drop It Like It'due south Hot."
Many happy returns
I was a little taken ashamed when I got my receipt from the funeral parlor, on the bottom of the receipt, later on the bill, it read, "Thank you. Delight come up again."
If you can hear this…
I'm e'er relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'yard listening to it.
Special days
Every year you pass your birthday and know that you were born that day, but every year you also pass your death day and have no clue.
… or a crazy cat lady
When I go, I want catnip planted all over my grave. That style all the stray cemetery cats volition flock to my grave and rub all over it, and people volition call back I was some kind of cat god.
Surprise!
I want to exist buried in a bound loaded casket filled with confetti. That way some futurity archeologist will have an astonishing solar day at work.
Winning at social media
When I die, I want someone to change my status to "Spooky with Jesus" and my occupation to "Haunting All of You."
At least yous'll await expert
If I drop expressionless in front of you, please exercise me the courtesy of rolling me onto my back and then that it looks like my stomach is apartment.
Why the comments section is so important
When I dice, instead of a eulogy, I want someone to read all the things net commenters accept written virtually me because they always have the right idea.
Non a morn person
I hate going to funerals because I'm non a mourning person.
The terminal thing you'll need
I saw an advertizement for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last affair I need.
Killed by bears
If I choke to expiry on gummy bears I promise people will only say I was killed by bears and leave information technology at that.
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Source: https://www.usurnsonline.com/oddbits/funeral-jokes/